I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
