You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
