Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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