PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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