i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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