Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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