just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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