I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
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YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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