Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
