Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
