The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
