Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
