I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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