Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Randomize
