i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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