I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
