They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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