took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
