Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
