Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
