there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
