just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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