Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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