my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
