Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
