he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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