yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I could have mohawked her pubes.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
