i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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