My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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