Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
