life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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