The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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