oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
