Don't make out with my wife yet
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
