my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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