Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
