I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Your penis caused this!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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