I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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