wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
