i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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