also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
