I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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