there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize