i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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