Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Small penises have feelings too.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
