All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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