Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
