I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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