just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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