I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
