I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
