I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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