you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Randomize
