you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
