Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
