i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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