the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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