I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
