Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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