I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
