Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So many bounce houses so little time
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
