He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
