whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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