No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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