I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
