I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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